in what seems like an endless cycle for me, I again find myself unhappy and unable to decipher why or how to be happy again without binge eating or buying games or other things that feel different and might bring me happiness but end up making me feel worse in the long run.
When I feel like this I crave attention and change in the hopes that those things will make me happy, but then I feel guilty for wanting such base and petty things. I feel lost with no way to bring myself out and so I start to think desperate things like quitting my job or getting in a car and driving until I stop feeling this way. I know these won’t solve my feelings but it hurts to sit and wait for my dread and fear and anxiety to fade.
I have to remember that what I have and how I feel don’t define me. How I perceive what others think of me and what other actually think of me don’t define me either. My actions and what I think about myself define me. I try to make my actions count and do good out of a self hating motivation. I don’t think that I am a good person so I am constantly trying to make up for my badness.
What have I done in my past that is so unforgivable? I’ve been publicly humiliated for my past incompetence (both personally and professionally), I’ve been fired from multiple jobs, I’m vastly overweight because I can’t control my eating, I can’t control spending money on games – I am always thinking about the next purchase or buying things in secret and keeping it from my wife (which makes me a terrible husband), I am an eternal procrastinator, I am under a mountain of debt, I’m lazy, I act entitled, my kids have problems that I can’t help them solve (which means I’m a terrible father), and the only thing I seem to have a passion for is relaxing, watching tv, and playing games.
I’ve written about this before, but whenever anything starts to feel like work, I am turned off and quickly become disinterested. I feel shame and disgrace for being this way. Should I?