i am scared of everything it seems these days. I can’t show it or talk to anyone about it because I’m scared that people will hate me for it or think I’m crazy. I have no confidence in my abilities. When I have good days, I don’t enjoy them because I just got lucky and my incompetence will soon show through to ruin everything. When I have bad days I am extra hard on myself because my bad day was most certainly my own fault and they will always happen because I am an incompetent moron.
I’ve been thinking about death a lot recently. I’m coming up on the 20th anniversary of my mothers death. A couple of months ago I had officially crossed the line of living longer without my mom than the time I had with her. It’s hit me really hard. I find myself extra sensitive to many things, and getting extra angry about things that I view with contempt.
I’ve always had money issues and I see all the people who have never had to struggle with money in their life and I hate them with all of my soul. I want them to suffer and die and then be forced to give me all of their money because they don’t deserve it and I do. But instead of being pulled back down to Earth, they get reality tv shows and a ton of media attention only to make more money and become super famous for doing absolutely nothing. The regular people who allow this to happen should also be killed. They have no place in the world. I hope more than anything that this imbalance in the world is corrected, but I don’t think it will be. I try to comvince myself that there are worse things and I’m just feeling jealousy and impatience with my own money control problems, but it is cold comfort.
I am trying my best to stay positive and balance what I want to do with my life with my responsibilities, but it is very difficult. I can feel myself slipping.