22nd post…………….wow, it’s been a long time. 

I started taking medicine for my anger, fear, and depression earlier this year and it’s made a huge difference in my mood and my life. I had a great end of the school year in the spring, an excellent summer vacation, and was very happy and optimistic about the upcoming fall semester. 

Mrs. Pie was scheduled for a surgery two weeks ago. A simple procedure. It went bad. 

Complications and the fact that the situation that caused the surgery in the first place ended up being worse than originally thought, for a couple of hours her life was in danger. 

I immediately crashed. 

For two hours, I was in hell. I didn’t know if my wife was going to live or not.

She did pull through, after they had to remove a large portion of her stomach and intestines, and much of the muscle tissue in her abdomen. Instead of a small outpatient surgery, she wa snot looking at an extended hospital stay. Four days later, she was well enou to go home to rest and not need round the clock supervision. She was home for a day, then she couldn’t breathe.

Back to the hospital. 

For the second time in a week, my wife’s life was in danger. For the second time in a week, I was in hell.

The diagnosis took half a day to discover – multiple small pulmonary embolisms.

This was not good. The treatment for the embolisms is blood thinner, but she was only a week removed from major surgery. Blood thinners could cause major problems at the surgical sites. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much of a choice. She had to chance the blood thinners. The embolisms were the more prominent risk. 

Another extended hospital stay. 

She pulled through, again. Mrs. Pie is amazing.

Unfortunately, this hectic and stressful hospital schedule, coupled with our upcoming home sale and move, wrecked my schedule and I started taking my Prozac at irregular times. Because of that, I’ve felt the anger, fear, and anxiety seeping back into my life. 

Now that things are going back to normal, I’m taking my meds at the regular times, but I think the irregular schedule meant they lost their effect. It will take about two weeks for them to start working again, but until then, I may be susceptible to a relapse of anger, fear and stress that will test my resolve. 

I find myself scared to go back to work. All sorts of negative scenarios are constantly playing through my head about how bad things will be when I return to work. I want to believe that everything will be ok. I am struggling to be optimistic right now. I need the meds to start working again soon. 


21st post….I’m very angry about everything…

And I have no clue why.

It seems like lately everything is making me super angry. I’ve got enough control to avoid any blowups or outright fights, but I’m reaching the breaking point. I can feel it.

I’ve especially been angry at all the religious bullshit people are doing and posting about because of Easter weekend. Obviously, I am not a religious person. I think it is ignorant and shallow of people to believe that an invisible man in the sky can wipe away a person’s wrongs on a weekly basis just because they worship him and pledge their loyalty to him.

This belief offends me completely. I know there are some religious people who are good, but I’ve experienced so many horrible people who do horrible things in the name of their God that I just can’t abide by anyone who is religious and doesn’t immediately shun these incompetent and ignorant people.

It bothers me that even these good people can allow themselves to be brainwashed into thinking that their bad deeds can simply be washed away by going to church or pretending the talk to an imaginary person in the sky. That REALLY bothers me. It smacks of arrogance and laziness.

Twentieth Post…..all about the money…

My awareness of money issues has been heightened recently. I’ve always pictured myself in various outlandish scenarios. I’ve imagined what my life would be like, how much easier my life would be with all the money I would have, if I had written and sung that new pop song that I just heard – or if I had acted in the big, new movie and/or TV show that would have made me famous – or if I had written that new big bestselling book that everyone has been talking about. I would have all the money I need to not work a regular job anymore and I would be able to work when I wanted to, on what I wanted to, instead of doing jobs for other people and working on their schedule instead of mine.

I know that I don’t want to be in debt anymore, and me and Mrs. Pie have worked up a budget and have started to save enough money to get out of debt as soon as possible. Some of our debt is by choice – some times we splurged and lived outside our means for a bit. but most of our debt is from accidents and bad luck. Our current car loan is because our old car died and it would have cost more than it was worth to fix – and you can’t get a loan for repairs – but we sure could get a loan for another different car. Our home air conditioner died before Grandma Pie did and it was $6,000+ for a new one. We’ve got another $5,000+ in medical debt from a couple of medical emergencies that me and my wife had a couple of years ago.

We are working on getting out of debt as quickly as possible, but every time we get a little ahead, something else happens to set up back. Things were going according to plan and then our washing machine crapped out on us this month. Can’t afford a new one, and it’s $300 to repair the current one. There goes the little bit of cushion we’d built up to help pay off the other debt faster. Two steps forward, three steps back…

My current dream is to have enough money so I don’t have to work a regular job anymore. I don’t know how to get enough money to do that, but our current track is saving us money, but the saving is so little that one small setback taps us out of funds. It’s just not fast enough. I don’t know what to do.

Nineteenth post……….weird catharsis….

My Labor Day weekend has been really good so far. Which makes what happened today all the more weirder. 

Someone I know at work is a Facebook friend and he posted something offensive to me. When I called him on it, someone else who works with us defended him, someone who by all accounts is an excellent person and exemplary worker. 

And I completely lost my shit. 

I don’t know why. I don’t really work with this person directly, but I went off on them and they probably think that I’m a horrible person and will tell everyone at work about how awful I am. But the really weird thing is that I don’t feel guilty about it at all. I felt this odd sense of relief. Like I had gotten it out of my system and I could move on with my day. 

Normally I would feel really guilty and apologize profusely, but I don’t feel any of that right now. I don’t know of this means that I’m getting over my fear of other people thinking bad things about me, or that I’m giving up on life, but I felt justified in my tirade. I haven’t really felt this way before. 

It’s weird.

Eighteenth post……….the cycle continues

i am scared of everything it seems these days. I can’t show it or talk to anyone about it because I’m scared that people will hate me for it or think I’m crazy. I have no confidence in my abilities. When I have good days, I don’t enjoy them because I just got lucky and my incompetence will soon show through to ruin everything. When I have bad days I am extra hard on myself because my bad day was most certainly my own fault and they will always happen because I am an incompetent moron. 

I’ve been thinking about death a lot recently. I’m coming up on the 20th anniversary of my mothers death. A couple of months ago I had officially crossed the line of living longer without my mom than the time I had with her. It’s hit me really hard. I find myself extra sensitive to many things, and getting extra angry about things that I view with contempt.

I’ve always had money issues and I see all the people who have never had to struggle with money in their life and I hate them with all of my soul. I want them to suffer and die and then be forced to give me all of their money because they don’t deserve it and I do. But instead of being pulled back down to Earth, they get reality tv shows and a ton of media attention only to make more money and become super famous for doing absolutely nothing. The regular people who allow this to happen should also be killed. They have no place in the world. I hope more than anything that this imbalance in the world is corrected, but I don’t think it will be. I try to comvince myself that there are worse things and I’m just feeling jealousy and impatience with my own money control problems, but it is cold comfort. 

I am trying my best to stay positive and balance what I want to do with my life with my responsibilities, but it is very difficult. I can feel myself slipping. 

Seventeenth post………searching for direction

in what seems like an endless cycle for me, I again find myself unhappy and unable to decipher why or how to be happy again without binge eating or buying games or other things that feel different and might bring me happiness but end up making me feel worse in the long run. 

When I feel like this I crave attention and change in the hopes that those things will make me happy, but then I feel guilty for wanting such base and petty things. I feel lost with no way to bring myself out and so I start to think desperate things like quitting my job or getting in a car and driving until I stop feeling this way. I know these won’t solve my feelings but it hurts to sit and wait for my dread and fear and anxiety to fade. 

I have to remember that what I have and how I feel don’t define me. How I perceive what others think of me and what other actually think of me don’t define me either. My actions and what I think about myself define me. I try to make my actions count and do good out of a self hating motivation. I don’t think that I am a good person so I am constantly trying to make up for my badness. 

What have I done in my past that is so unforgivable? I’ve been publicly humiliated for my past incompetence (both personally and professionally), I’ve been fired from multiple jobs, I’m vastly overweight because I can’t control my eating, I can’t control spending money on games – I am always thinking about the next purchase or buying things in secret and keeping it from my wife (which makes me a terrible husband), I am an eternal procrastinator, I am under a mountain of debt, I’m lazy, I act entitled, my kids have problems that I can’t help them solve (which means I’m a terrible father), and the only thing I seem to have a passion for is relaxing, watching tv, and playing games.

I’ve written about this before, but whenever anything starts to feel like work, I am turned off and quickly become disinterested. I feel shame and disgrace for being this way. Should I?

Sixteenth post……..Introspection abounds….

After writing my last post, I started thinking about what makes me happy. Playing games. Watching good TV. No responsibilities. This is what makes me happy.

If I had any writing skills whatsoever, then I would be able to write reviews for games and pursue that with a relative passion. Same with TV. I could see myself as a TV critic for a website or a magazine. But I can’t write for shit, and the deadlines for writing would make it feel like work instead of something I enjoy. Which is why I feel like I’ll never be great or remembered for anything because as soon as something feels like work, I start losing happiness in that thing. I don’t know why.

I also like surprising people. Not like practical jokes, but as in exceeding expectations. However, I only really do this when the expectations start out low. If I start out with high expectations, then the only way to surprise people is to not meet those expectations. It’s much harder to exceed expectations when they start out so high.

I hate it when I exceed expectations and am not recognized for it. I went out of the way to do better than I was supposed to, and then not get any praise for it drives me crazy. That kid of recognition makes me feel special and also happy.